I know. It’s been a while. But I’m back with the definitive answer to the question that has been plaguing both of us since the day after Thanksgiving (perhaps longer for those of you who don’t live with people who have very strict rules about when the playing of Christmas music can officially begin)…
What is the worst Christmas song ever?
Well, we’ll get to number one, but first let’s start with the nine preceding it in order of least worst to so terrifyingly bad plugging my ears with rusty nails would be less painful worst.
10. Christmastime in Hollis Queens. Sadly this song would have made the Best Of list until it was used to sell mini-vans to moms. I’ve only seen the Honda commercial once and I can’t find it anywhere on the internets, but what’s done is done. The image of moms who look like me rapping this song inside an Odyssey is burned in my brain. It’s lost all of its cool cache. I do,however, have a hankering for a new Odyssey.
9. We Need a Little Christmas. I feel like I should like this song, but it’s so pushy. There’s so much pressure to get Christmas done IMMEDIATELY! I can’t take a month or more to put the decorations up and get my shopping done because this guy’s going to do something drastic if he doesn’t get his Christmas fix NOW!
8. Little Drummer Boy by Bob Seger. It’s Bob Seger singing. Enough said. Anything sung by Bob Seger could make a Worst Of list.
7. Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid. Anyone who knows my feelings about Band-aids should not question the position of this song on this list. You should only question why it’s only at number seven and not closer to number one.
6. Jingle Bells by Barbara Streisand. The moment Babs sings “and then we got upsot. Upsot??” this version of Jingle Bells officially becomes a Hanukkah carol and no longer qualifies as a Christmas song.
5. Christmas Through Your Eyes by Gloria Estefan. I find Gloria Estefan one of the most annoying people in the entire world. I don’t know why. She just is. And she should leave Christmas and its songs alone. Step away from the microphone, Gloria. Step. Away.
4 & 3. O Holy Night by Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey takes one of the most beautiful hymns EVER and adds synthesizers–synthesizers for Gosh sakes!–and then she does another version and adds Michel Bolton. For this reason she gets two spots. You will not be forgiven for your crimes against this song, Mariah.
2. What if Jesus Comes Back Like That by Colin Raye. Colin Raye should be punched in the face for ruining Christmas every time I hear this song.
And, finally, the very worst in what Christmas music has to offer. So bad I want to make myself barf every time I hear it just to get the treacle taste out of my mouth. You already know what it is, right? How could it be anything besides…
1. Christmas Shoes by Newsong. And Rob Lowe, how can you be so good in Parks & Rec and then be in this video? You disappoint me, sir.
I can’t in good conscience share only terrible Christmas music with you, so I’ll leave you with the best Christmas song ever. It was going to be Happy Christmas (I can’t do Xmas, even though I think officially that’s what it is) by John Lennon, but I’m feeling very grateful that I get to spend Christmas with my children and my heart aches for those who don’t. So here it is, my favorite Christmas hymn and a truly beautiful version of it…